How Do You Fix a Planet?

I’d love to be part of the discussion on what to do about global warming but nobody will include me ‘cuz I’m just a shmuck. So, here in Vinnyville I’ll ask some questions and take a stab at some answers.

Why can’t I find a job in the allegedly exploding green industries? We’re going to spin our wheels if the business of solar panels and windmills is some elite club of engineers with experience back to the day the windmill was invented.

We have to have a plan for the fossil fuel sector if there’s any hope of transforming the world into a sustainable living space. Obviously, the corporate giants want to keep cranking the oil wells and firing up the mining equipment until we’re all dead since they don’t have a collective brain in their asses. Any ideas how we convince the guy who’s boyhood hero was Lex Luther to disperse his billions in the Caymen Islands into solar panels? I doubt you can make a windmill out of parts from an oil rig. Collecting solar and wind energy is the easy part. The tough stuff is transforming factories, homes, 18-wheelers, etc. into sunlight-burning devices.

Since these top 1% rich A-holes have the government working for them, I guess we need to mastermind an even more unlikely plan that convinces politicians that life is more important than short term wealth. One idea that came to me is to pay them so much money they wouldn’t know what to do with a bribe when it’s offered. I’m talking huge salary. No, not huge, staggering stacks of cash… obscene piles of money… oh, just pay them like they were professional athletes. Another brilliant thought is taking away campaign contributions from the rich A-holes and their super PACs. New law: No TV or radio advertising allowed (The nation cheers!). Candidates can only campaign on a website and donations are limited to a few thousand bucks per entity. The internet is free, at the moment, at least, so anybody could run for office, not just financially endowed A-holes. You could find the candidates that suit you on Hub Sites where you can search out the ideal civil servants using keywords as you now search for the 10 celebrities you didn’t know did prison time. When the election draws near, we would have a list of the most popular candidates according to the people, instead of the ones most popular with the media and rich A-holes.

I hope the number of Climate Change deniers is dwindling as the recent meteorological trends should be sufficient to scare the crap out of all but the staunchest conservative. My plea is: If the solution is to pollute less and stop draining the planet of oil and gas, shouldn’t we do that regardless of the global warming debate? You did see pictures of the air quality in China, right? Again, the hard question is: How do we drastically decrease the polluting we’re creating without causing financial collapse?

Final thought of the day: We can’t just keep asking questions. Somebody has the solutions buried in their consciousness beneath a pile of insignificant social trash that fills our heads through the constant stream of propaganda flowing out of our smart phones, computers and televisions. Is it you? If you were asked the save the planet, what could you come up with? You might have to look up from your phone for a moment and think. Remember thinking? We did that in the days of old before others did the thinking for us. Our beliefs are now provided by social media and paid for by the A-holes that are building the world around their beliefs, such as, Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.

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I’m Twice Knightley and here is the news.

We have an old saying in this country: “GET OUT!” But I don’t want to talk about that one. An even older expression is, “It’s just common sense.” The truth is, very few people have that, so we can’t call it “common” anymore. It has become, UNCOMMON SENSE. Here’s an example: The news anchor tells the nation which terrorist group is taking credit for the latest bombing. Then they cut to commercial break and I learn that there’s a new disposable razor with 8 vibrating blades for an even closer shave than the one with 6 oscillating blades. That company paid a gazillion dollars for the ad, which they add to the cost of the razor. So, I have to pay the razor company, so they can pay the TV network, which apparently gives terrorist groups their advertising for free.

Ever use the expression, “If I could get my hands on the guy who designed this……!” It’s one of my favorites too. An example that’s right at my fingertips is this keyboard. I’m not a fast typist but it’s not entirely my fault.  The question mark is in Florida and the exclamation point is in Alaska! The editing keys – backspace (most important key), and delete keys are out of reach while the semi-colon is a home key. I don’t even remember what a semi-colon is for. Resting my pinky? “If I could get my hands on the guy….”

I was about to enjoy one of my favorite drinks – strong, pungent coffee from freshly ground beans. Mug in hand, I begin to pour the steaming liquid, which drooled down the front of the pot right into my sock. I immediately conjured up the image of the over-paid engineer creating this glass appliance, making a test pour into a cup. The liquid drools down the front of the prototype splattering on his shoes. With a smile he says, “Perfect. Let’s make millions of them.”

I’d love to get my hands on the designer (obviously French) who thought toilets would be more fashionable with square exit ports rather than round ones. He must have dozed off in Toilet Design 101 when the professor discussed the principle of trying to put a round plunger in a square hole. 

Would it be asking too much to own one comfortable piece of furniture? Is everything designed by the Spanish Inquisition? Before I sit on my sofa for extended periods of torture, I gather pillows that I have collected over the years. You have to have a variety of large fluffy, and small, firm, tube shaped cushions as sitting props. I even used a large Winnie the Pooh with some success.  Sleeping is where comfort gets complicated. If I sleep on my back, it seizes up to the point where even Winnie the Pooh is inadequate for days. Or I can sleep on one side or the other, depending on which arm I want numb the next morning. Rethinking the mattress, well, that’s complicated too. They tried the memory pad that molds to your body shape, but if you roll over it becomes an arbitrary hole in the ground. I think I’ll just sleep in the recliner.

I don’t know who to blame this nonsense on – the engineer of the can opener or the can architect, but cans and can openers don’t work together. The only exception is if you buy a $9 can opener it will work three times. If you buy three of them for $3 each, they’ll work once. Here’s where it gets good. We solved the problem with the invention of cans that pop open with a pull on a ring with your cotton pickin’ finger. So why don’t we just make all cans that way? Over in the produce department, I’m standing by the mangoes for several hours trying to open the plastic bag. Alternately pinching both sides and blowing on the opening (I doubt that there is an opening at this point) seems to work best. At another store, the bags open like a rose blossom when you stretch them sideways. Why aren’t we just making this one? We should require the perps of the other crime to open their bags all day, every day until one of them burns the factory down. Next to the mangoes proudly rests the seedless watermelon, the greatest achievement since rye bread without caraway. You don’t have to spit seeds down your chin or be forced to eat outside. If we can grow just seedless melons………..right?

The Flow-through Teabag. Invented by Lipton, this marvel of modern science and tea technology changed tea drinking forever with the simple addition of a tunnel through the bag. How did we ever survive with tunnelless teabags? Apparently, without the tunnel, all of the tea wouldn’t get wet. The tunnel was supposed to allow access and the bag was dubbed, “The Flow-through Teabag. The only problem was, when you dropped it in the cup, the tunnel slammed shut. Attempts to reopen it with a spoon handle resulted in a broken bag. It’s actually a good thing the tunnel was a flop. Have you ever had Lipton Tea? Has anyone? More than seven seconds of bag soaking, tunnel closed, and this brew will remove varnish and cure leather. 

Excerpt from Uncommon Sense, an ebook available on Amazon.